This is my dark twisted offering, in honour of V-Day!
Dating can be difficult. Not only do you have to shower regularly and pretend to be polite, you’re expected to hide those charming idiosyncrasies that form your character. Don’t like the crushing boredom of meeting expectations and the pressure to impress? Try the suggestions below and soon you can behave however you want 24/7, as you’ll be completely alone. You’re welcome.
The Eyes Have It
Casual eye contact is for the unimaginative. Stand out from the crowd by making no eye contact at all. Looking at the floor or rapidly darting your eyes around the room conveys that you are a very deep thinker with a lot on your mind. An unwavering stare (try not to blink) accompanied by a serious expression or manic grin does wonders to indicate your intensity. Try alternating these techniques to add a bit of seductive mystery and allow the inner you to shine through.
Sharing is Caring
Fancy a threesome with hermaphrodites coated in cherry syrup? Chlamydia medication finally did its job? Share this information as soon as possible, preferably within five minutes of meeting someone. Provide as much detail as possible in order to build trust and intimacy. If your companion appears uncomfortable, take this as a compliment that such unfaltering honesty is rare and appreciated.
A Sum of Its Parts
Remind people that you are a seriously sexy beast by naming your genitalia and referring to them at every possible opportunity. ex. “The rocket and I are going out for drinks tonight. Want to come along for the ride?”, or “I am taking Miss Sensitive for a scuba this weekend. Do you feel like doing some diving?” For added emphasis, suggestively raise your eyebrows and perform a pelvic thrust as you speak.
Clinging: Not Just for Food Wrap
Never hesitate to let a person know how their absence cuts into your very soul, even if they are only going to the bathroom. Grab their hand, stare deeply into their eyes and state as if your life depended upon it, “I miss you. Every second without you feel s like an hour. Promise you’ll come back?” Extra points if you hold their hand so tightly that they must pry it from your grasp.
The Drunk Dial
This technique should only be used if you know the object of your misguided affections is having a quiet night in. Get extremely drunk and send unintelligible texts. Follow up with an insulting phone call if you do not receive an answer within two minutes. Keep them guessing and demonstrate your tender nature by immediately calling back with a desperate plea for forgiveness and a declaration of undying love.
If your potential companion is still interested after you have implemented the above suggestions, chances are (s)he has even more issues than you do. Consider relocating and changing your name to something incredibly generic, or you might have a lifetime of finding dead bunnies on your doorstep.
Slightly edited version published in the February 2013 edition of The Voice.