People pay a lot of tax and what purpose does this serve? Sure the roads are paved and rubbish is taken away, but should it really cost so much? Let other, less special, people shoulder that burden. Implement the below suggestions and consider yourself vocationally unfettered for the foreseeable future.
Potential employers spend 20 seconds scanning a CV. Make the experience fun for your reader through a random use of fonts, inconsistent formatting and run on sentences (everyone likes a story teller). Contrary to popular belief, the spell check function on Word has an exquisite understanding of grammatical and linguistic structures and freeze* you to focus on more important matters, like what your next snack will be.
Look the Part
We are living in uncertain economic times. You want your future employer to associate you with prosperity. Reference the 1980s with big hair and shoulder pads (for both genders), a briefcase, headset and if you are lucky enough to score one, a brick like phone that truly communicates who’s the boss. Begin salary discussions as you are taking your seat in order to highlight your negotiation skills.
Simultaneously name dropping, drinking kombucha, texting, taking a call on your other phone, reading a philosophy book and quoting random passages (preferably while the book is upside down) reveals that you are great at multi-tasking and in no way should be construed that you are off your meds.
Establish that you are a conceptualist who does not have time for insignificant details by focusing on very basic but specific questions during your interview. ‘Do you have a website?’, ‘What time is lunch?’ and ‘What are the duties for the position?’ (particularly effective if you have been provided with a comprehensive job spec) are highly recommended.
The Wrap Up
This technique is especially powerful if you have little practical experience and are applying for an entry level job – perhaps not so useful if you’re a skilled surgeon. (If you are a surgeon, why are you even reading this – go save some lives!) Turn the power dynamic on its head and conclude the interview by stating: ‘Thank you for your time. I’ve had a lot of interest. I will consider our conversation and if you don’t hear from me, I’ve accepted a position elsewhere.’
Implement the above steps and you will have a considerable amount of free time to wash labels off of plastic bottles and call it art, improve your x-box score, and perfect your space cake recipe.
* Yes, I am indeed aware that the word is frees. My friend spell check? Not so much.
Published under the title Stay Free in the April 2013 edition of The Voice.