Category Archives: Idiocy

Pervert Prevention?

These tights are being marketed in China as a deterrent for unwanted sexual advances (perhaps they should be called Stockings for Stalkers?). Once again, potential victims are being asked to take responsibility for the lack of impulse control exhibited by others. Sigh.

hairy tights

While on many levels this is actually quite funny, the `solution`fails to recognise that harassment is not merely about beauty, it is about perceptions of public ownership and will most likely result in one form of unwanted attention being replaced by another.

World`s Ugliest Dog?

The World`s Ugliest Dog Contest (an annual event in the US) took place on Friday.I`m being nitpicky, but really it should be called America`s ugliest dog, but I digress. Friday`s winner was Walle (on the left). The dog on the right was also a competitor. Seriously?

dog?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Travel Tips for the Unenlightened

Forget that horsesh*t about traveling to gain new experiences and expand your horizons. Most of us travel because we secretly believe that our country of origin is vastly superior to whatever far flung destination we are gracing with our presence and we want everyone else to know it too.

The Linguistic Divide

Contrary to popular belief, locals do not appreciate it when visitors take time to learn a few snippets of their language. The fact that they can mock you without your understanding is what makes you such a welcome guest. Besides, language is only a barrier for those who don’t speak loud enough. If at first you don’t succeed, try yelling and possibly even getting angry to demonstrate your impatience.

Act the Part

Travel only changes the outlook of those who are unsure of their convictions. As a tourist, you are bringing money into the economy and this pretty much enables you to act however you please. Demand forks and ask for ketchup with everything. Throw money (literally) at those less fortunate, slow moving locals in order to get what you want.

Haggling as Death Match

Let’s face it; the locals only want to rip you off. If they’re not going to clearly communicate their prices then they have just declared a throwdown. So what if it’s only two cents in your currency and it took you 20 minutes to reach that price, you won!

Get Inspired

Look around – everything is SO foreign. It’s as if this has all been staged as a chapter in your personal memoir. Life is your art project and you should treat it as such. Block busy walkways as you repeatedly take identical photos in search of the perfect shot. Stick your camera in the faces and homes of locals and click away; asking permission would spoil the shot. Thank you universe!

Be a Cultural Ambassador

Many locals will never get to travel, so treat this as a valuable opportunity to show those less fortunate how to improve. Suggestions include, constantly reminding others that things are much bigger and better in your country, followed by lengthy explanations of why this is so. Sometimes you will need to engage in tough love and actually point out how disgusting and foreign their practices are, particularly in terms of toilets (Surely it’s much more sanitary that human waste is located within your home rather than outdoors and of course it is more hygienic to clean with paper than actual water).

Don’t worry about wasting your hard earned funds on a return ticket. Apply the suggestions above and chances are you will get a free ticket home when your many new friends take up a collection to return you to your beloved home ASAP. 

Published under the title Make Yourself Unforgettable in the June 2013 edition of The Voice.

the most idiotic news of the week

  • sadly, once again, comes from Saudi Arabia
  • 3 Emirati men from the UAE have been deported from Saudi Arabia
  • The men were visiting neighbouring Saudi Arabia from the United Arab Emirates to attend an annual Cultural festival in Riyadh.
  • The men were apparently minding their own business when Saudi Arabia’s religious police entered the pavilion and forcibly removed them from the festival.
  • Their reason? According to the Arabic-language newspaper Elaph. the Commission [for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice] members had some concerns.
  • Apparently the men in question were extremely handsome and it was feared that women would find them irresistible.
  • This seems to be a legitimate story as it has been reported by several reputable sources.
  • Unfortunately pictures of the handsome men were unavailable.
  • I suppose it might be dangerous to take a photo…..

How to Have More Spare Time

People pay a lot of tax and what purpose does this serve? Sure the roads are paved and rubbish is taken away, but should it really cost so much? Let other, less special, people shoulder that burden. Implement the below suggestions and consider yourself vocationally unfettered for the foreseeable future.

CV

Potential employers spend 20 seconds scanning a CV. Make the experience fun for your reader through a random use of fonts, inconsistent formatting and run on sentences (everyone likes a story teller).  Contrary to popular belief, the spell check function on Word has an exquisite understanding of grammatical and linguistic structures and freeze* you to focus on more important matters, like what your next snack will be.

Look the Part

We are living in uncertain economic times. You want your future employer to associate you with prosperity. Reference the 1980s with big hair and shoulder pads (for both genders), a briefcase, headset and if you are lucky enough to score one, a brick like phone that truly communicates who’s the boss. Begin salary discussions as you are taking your seat in order to highlight your negotiation skills.

Multi-task

Simultaneously name dropping,  drinking kombucha, texting, taking a call on your other phone, reading a philosophy book and quoting random passages (preferably while the book is upside down) reveals that you are great at multi-tasking and in no way should be construed that you are off your meds.

Ask Questions

Establish that you are a conceptualist who does not have time for insignificant details by focusing on very basic but specific questions during your interview. ‘Do you have a website?’, ‘What time is lunch?’ and ‘What are the duties for the position?’ (particularly effective if you have been provided with a comprehensive job spec) are highly recommended.

The Wrap Up

This technique is especially powerful if you have little practical experience and are applying for an entry level job – perhaps not so useful if you’re a skilled surgeon. (If you are a surgeon, why are you even reading this – go save some lives!) Turn the power dynamic on its head and conclude the interview by stating: ‘Thank you for your time. I’ve had a lot of interest. I will consider our conversation and if you don’t hear from me, I’ve accepted a position elsewhere.’

Implement the above steps and you will have a considerable amount of free time to wash labels off of plastic bottles and call it art, improve your x-box score, and perfect your space cake recipe.                             

* Yes, I am indeed aware that the word is frees. My friend spell check? Not so much.

Published under the title Stay Free in the April 2013 edition of The Voice.

Never Thought You Could Be An Eco-Warrior? Think Again.

Society is educated about environmental issues now more than ever before. Yet all we keep hearing is that the world is ending and we’re all going to die. Of course we will all die; welcome to Human Existence 101, thanks for stopping by. But while you’re here, why not try to shape the world in your own image? In five easy steps, you can become the eco-warrior that no one ever wanted you to be.

Be Militant

Contrary to popular belief, we do not live in an age of relativism. Moderation is for the undecided. There is only one correct view of reality and that is yours. A position of tolerance will not get your message across, as people truly appreciate a hard sell. Need further convincing? Look at how successful religious zealots, militia militants and cult leaders are. Exactly.

Reduce Waste

Westerners waste a lot of food. Whether this is due to oversized portions, entitlement issues or capitalist generated insatiability is irrelevant.  The only way to stop this behaviour is through intervention. Try sitting with a stranger who has a large portion of food. Look warily at the food and ask, “Are you going to eat ALL of that?” Stare until you get an answer, or the person leaves. You may find yourself with an incredibly tolerant new friend or get a free meal, and isn’t that a win either way?

Decrease Productivity

Productivity = excess. The problem is not that we’re doing too little; it’s that we’re doing too much. Productivity is what got us into this mess, so reverse the trend by doing as little as possible. If this leaves you feeling useless or dissatisfied, always remember – there’s medication for that.

Nature is Beauty

Reframe your thinking and learn to see beauty where others do not. If your dog defecates on the sidewalk, do not clean it up.  This is an unnecessary use of carcinogenic plastic (and your valuable time and effort) to dispose of a perfectly natural and biodegradable process. If a bystander gives you grief, stare at them compassionately while sadly shaking your head.

Embrace Life’s Contradictions

People who point out inconsistencies are being petty just for the sake of hearing their own voice. Complain about smokers as you’re driving your car or pulling on a spliff. Lecture people on vegetarianism while chewing gum and wearing leather shoes. Ignore inconsistencies, at least in your own behaviour. You know your own heart is pure, but what about the rest of humanity?

Life as an eco warrior isn’t always easy but it has its rewards, such as basking in the glow of self satisfaction and righteous indignation while doing very little to actually resolve the issue. Maximum results for minimum effort. Isn’t that what saving the planet is really about?

Slightly edited version published in the March 2013 edition of The Voice.

Stll Not Single? Try Harder.

This is my dark twisted offering, in honour of V-Day!

Dating can be difficult. Not only do you have to shower regularly and pretend to be polite, you’re expected to hide those charming idiosyncrasies that form your character. Don’t like the  crushing boredom of meeting expectations  and the pressure to impress? Try the suggestions below and soon you can behave however you want 24/7, as you’ll be completely alone. You’re welcome.

The Eyes Have It

Casual eye contact is for the unimaginative. Stand out from the crowd by making no eye contact at all. Looking at the floor or rapidly darting your eyes around the room conveys that you are a very deep thinker with a lot on your mind.  An unwavering stare (try not to blink) accompanied by a serious expression or manic grin does wonders to indicate your intensity. Try alternating these techniques to add a bit of seductive mystery and allow the inner you to shine through.

Sharing is Caring

Fancy a threesome with hermaphrodites coated in cherry syrup? Chlamydia medication finally did its job? Share this information as soon as possible, preferably within five minutes of meeting someone. Provide as much detail as possible in order to build trust and intimacy. If your companion appears uncomfortable, take this as a compliment that such unfaltering honesty is rare and appreciated.

A Sum of Its Parts

Remind people that you are a seriously sexy beast by naming your genitalia and referring to them at every possible opportunity.  ex. “The rocket and I are going out for drinks tonight. Want to come along for the ride?”, or “I am taking Miss Sensitive for a scuba this weekend. Do you feel like doing some diving?” For added emphasis, suggestively raise your eyebrows and perform a pelvic thrust as you speak.

Clinging: Not Just for Food Wrap

Never hesitate to let a person know how their absence cuts into your very soul, even if they are only going to the bathroom. Grab their hand, stare deeply into their eyes and state as if your life depended upon it, “I miss you. Every second without you feel s like an hour. Promise you’ll come back?” Extra points if you hold their hand so tightly that they must pry it from your grasp.

The Drunk Dial

This technique should only be used if you know the object of your misguided affections is having a quiet night in. Get extremely drunk and send unintelligible texts. Follow up with an insulting phone call if you do not receive an answer within two minutes. Keep them guessing and demonstrate your tender nature by immediately calling back with a desperate plea for forgiveness and a declaration of undying love.

If your potential companion is still interested after you have implemented the above suggestions, chances are (s)he has even more issues than you do. Consider relocating and changing your name to something incredibly generic, or you might have a lifetime of finding dead bunnies on your doorstep.

Slightly edited version published in the February 2013 edition of The Voice.

the most ridiculous news item of the week

  • As many people are probably aware, in Saudi Arabia women are required by law to wear a burqa once they reach puberty
  • However, a sheikh in the country has now suggested that baby girls should wear a burqa
  • The reason for this? – to protect them from sexual abuse
  • Sadly this is yet another example of asking a highly vulnerable segment of the population to take responsibility for perpetrators failing to regulate their own behaviour

the most ridiculous new item of the week

  • councillors in County Kerry, in the south west Ireland have decided to tackle a pressing social issue
  • apparently younger generations are being culturally deprived of traditional song and dance as older folk in isolated areas are no longer visiting the pubs due to a crackdown on driving under the influence
  • the councillors, many of whom are pub owners are suggesting that police issue drinking permits that allow older people to legally get behind the wheel after imbibing a few drinks
  • the motion was passed by the council and they are actually attempting to get this approved as a law
  • and why not? It seems perfectly reasonable in comparison to other ridiculous ideas such as offering a selection of non-alcoholic beverages, arranging local transport for a nominal fee or free soft drinks for a designated driver